Watching Chopped on Food Network, I noticed that all the baskets contained some kind of moonshine and that the guest judge was from Outback Steakhouse.
Math may not have been my best subject, but I can put one and one together and usually come within spitting distance of two or thereabouts. I said to myself, “Self, I bet Outback is having some kind of moonshine promotion.”
I was right. Within a couple of days I began seeing the commercials. I have also seen “moonshine” for sale in the liquor stores. This is just wrong. The wrongness of it rattled around in my brain and caused this vision.
Me [in Outback Steakhouse]: Any specials today?
Server [perkily]: Why, yes! We’re featuring our new Moonshine Entrees!
Me: Tell me about them.
Server [still perky]: Each of our superb meats has been infused with the authentic flavor of moonshine!
Me: You mean it tastes like airplane glue and smells like kerosene?
Server [puzzled]: Why, no! It’s a sweet rich flavor that enhances all our dishes.
Me: So where do you get your moonshine?
Server [resuming perkiness]: It comes from our warehouse on the weekly truck so you now that every batch is fresh!
Me: Yeah, that’s about how long my uncle used to age his. But he kept it under the corn crib instead of in a warehouse.
Server [still trying]: We make sure the quality is consistent and always imparts that special moonshine kick!
Me [impressed]: So you know that it always causes the jake-leg wobbles and the blind staggers?
Server [beginning to fold]: Really, I don’t think…
Me: Yeah, that’s the other good thing about moonshine. After your kidneys shut down, it goes to your head and you can’t think.
Server [losing it]: Perhaps you should see the manager.
Me: If I can still see her, it ain’t the best moonshine.
Server [nearing tears]: It’s really nothing like that!
Me: Then you’re obviously not using my uncle’s recipe. It was a big hit at all the family reunions. He’d get plumb crazy and start firing off his single-shot rifle. Gives a person a sporting chance. Not like those AR-15s everyone has nowadays. Tell me, is this an open carry state?
Server flees, returning with the manager, who gives me a coupon for a free dinner. At the Olive Garden.
Of course, I wouldn’t really do any such thing. For one thing, it would be mean, and for another I can’t really afford to eat at Outback. And of course the dialogue probably wouldn’t go as I imagined. And I’d be thrown out on one of my ears.