Category Archives: family

I Love People. No, Really.

etc., family, humor, religion, , ,

“Now, wait a minute” (I hear you cry). “You don’t even like people. I’ve heard you complain when you have to go somewhere, and it’s ‘too people-y’ out there. I know you avoid being in large groups. You are perfectly happy alone in your study. Maybe you like people, but you love cats.”

Yeah, well. All that is true. I couldn’t deny it if I tried with both hands. But while I dislike large groups of strangers, I love individual people. I even love groups of people when they are doing something interesting, like playing music and singing. Even then, I prefer my groups of people small. Sometimes I’ll brave larger groups of people to be somewhere with people playing music and singing. (I did it for Emmylou Harris, for example, and am going to do it again for The Stray Cats.)

The truth is, I love certain kinds of people. They’re not limited by age, race, religion, ethnicity, handicap status, gender orientation, or the usual dividing lines. I love different people in all those categories, from people I interact with in my daily life to people I know only online or admire from afar.

The people I love have several things in common. I love people who…

Improve

People who improve are those who put in the work, practice, and get better at what they do. I met a man years ago who played the guitar. He was having trouble with barre chords, a specific technique he needed to play his music. When I saw him, he was struggling. He could have given up and used a capo to get a similar effect. Instead, he kept at it. Years later, he’s known in certain circles as an excellent songwriter who skillfully accompanies himself on his guitar. Sometimes I remind him of what he was able to do when we met and how far he’s come since then.

Try new things

These people take a leap of faith in matters large and small, not knowing in advance what the results will be. They try sushi for the first time. They start writing a short story or a poem or a novel, just because they want to. As a friend of mine says, they leap and trust that the net will appear. I know a woman, an artist who has experimented with many different media and techniques over the years. She has worked in fabric arts, stained glass, and jewelry. She has settled into her career of painting in oils, but she still tries different styles and schools like cubism. Now she is exploring the possibilities of colored pencils.

Have a checkered past

I love people who have had many interests and experiences over the years, even if not all were successful or even positive. I knew a man who had gone to seminary, become a police officer, and worked in parks and recreation. He got past a difficult period in midlife, including problems with alcohol, and eventually turned to helping others. His multitude of experiences made him a fascinating conversationalist and a compassionate listener.

Keep an open mind

My mother is my example here. She was a very religious woman. One day, her fellow believers were discussing other religions and brought up the question of whether they would ever visit a synagogue or a mosque. All of them said no, until they got to Mom. She said that, of course, she would. When asked why, she replied, “If I didn’t listen to them, how could I expect them to listen to me?”

Have a sense of humor

It largely doesn’t matter what their sense of humor finds funny. Bad puns. Song parodies. One-liners. Musical comedy. Satire. Witty wordplay. Politicians of all stripes are fair game. And religious jokes are welcome. Most of all, I love people who find humor in everyday life. The world needs more people like that.

It occurs to me that the qualities I love in other people are ones that I aspire to. I want to live a life that is varied and full of humor. I would like to think that I have an open mind and a willingness to try new things. I want to improve. The people I love are inspirations and role models for me. I just hope I live up to them.

Home on the Suburban Range

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My father had a thing about cowboys and the Old West. He loved Western movies, Zane Grey and Louis L’Amour novels, and Marty Robbins’s Gunfighter Ballads album. He did Western-style crafts like working leather. (Once his car blew a gasket on the road. He just happened to have some leather in the car and fashioned a new gasket from it with his pocket knife. But I digress.)

He wasn’t an authentic cowboy, of course. He only ever lived in Kentucky and Ohio, neither of which has any cowboys to speak of. (Kentucky has lots of horses, of course, but they need trainers and jockeys, not cowpokes and wranglers. But I digress again.)

Through most of his life, Dad (we called him Melvyn, though his name was really James) worked in a government job as an Industrial Engineering Technician. (I never quite got over the fact that I was never going to be able to write a country song that went, “I was born an Industrial Engineering Technician’s daughter.” But I digress yet again). He did time and motion study and had a clipboard with a stopwatch, and also a slide rule, which he tried to teach me how to use. Fortunately, he kept his work at the office and never tried to improve the family’s efficiency.

But he was a cowboy at heart. When the family was on a road trip, he liked to pretend that we were in a covered wagon or buckboard pulled by horses. He’d shout, “Get up, Smoky! Yah! (whip-cracking noises and whistles)” and similar encouragements, particularly if we were going up a hill. As kids, we loved this and played along. He sometimes called my mother “Old Squaw,” which she didn’t take as an insult, though these days it would be considered culturally inappropriate.

(My husband sometimes calls me “Old Boot,” which is a term of endearment between us. We have many other peculiar ways of referring to each other, like “Thing” or “Doodle,” which we tend not to do when there are other people around. But I digress some more.)

When he retired from his government job, Melvyn went back to (or invented) his cowboy roots. He wore Western or plaid shirts, old jeans, and a cowboy hat wherever he went. (Once, when he was thus arrayed and leaning on a cane, he went into a Ponderosa restaurant and a little boy looked at him and asked, “Did you get shooted by an Indian?” Dad loved to tell that story. But I digress even more.) For some reason, he never got cowboy boots, preferring sneakers instead.

Dad was a gun collector who bought and traded pistols and rifles with his buddies over the years. He left them to me when he died. (Once, when I went shooting at a gun range with some of my fellow martial arts students, I brought along the revolver. All the guys (who had automatics) wanted to try out “the cowboy gun,” but only one, who knew me well (my eye doctor), dared to ask me directly. But I digress still more.)

Even with all that, my father wasn’t the oddest member of our family. That honor belonged to Uncle Sam (yes, he really was named that; we also had an Aunt Jemima). Sam was a sharecropper in the hills of Kentucky, and it was said that he was a moonshiner. I don’t know if he made the stuff, but he used to keep a jar of it hidden in his barn.

There aren’t any horse thieves in the family. At least not that I know about.

Could You Repeat That?

etc., family, health, humor, ,

It’s been said that when a couple is old, their primary form of communication is being in separate rooms, yelling “What? What?” a lot. My husband and I do it multiple times a day. So, yes, we are old.

We’ve determined that Dan needs hearing aids. (I probably don’t. Since Dan can’t hear well, he talks softly, imagining that he’s speaking loudly enough and that the other person can hear him. I can’t. But I digress.)

Years ago, he had a hearing test that said his hearing banana is rotten enough to be covered with fruit flies. Since then, he has struggled along until we reached the “What? What?” phase. (The “hearing banana” is a measure of your ability to hear. Your results on a graph look something like a banana. Where the banana is located determines which pitch of sounds—high, low, or medium—are problems for you. Dan had trouble with midrange sounds. But I digress again.)

Now that his hearing is a bad banana with a greasy, black peel, I began shopping around online for hearing aids. And let me tell you, there are many different brands and kinds available. All sorts of price ranges, too, from $99 to nearly $2000.

Shopping online is one of my family responsibilities. I know enough not to pay attention to the ads that say a product is a fabulous innovation at a low, low price. Even online reviews are iffy. Some companies invent their own comparison sites and rate their own products highly. Eventually, I decided to buy a subscription to Consumer Reports. I figured that the savings on the hearing aids alone would make the cost worth it.

The Consumer Reports article on OTC hearing aids didn’t even rate the $99 ones. There was a large chart that compared the choices in different categories. (I once had a job that required proofreading large charts. We had to print them in sections and tape them to a wall. Then one person read from the manuscript and the other checked the printout. It was beyond tedious, especially all the yes/no columns. But I digress yet again.)

The device (devices?) I chose cost $250 and had pretty good ratings. They included features I liked, like a rechargeable recharging case (if you can follow that) and different-size “cups” to accommodate fat and skinny ear canals. (There were also features I ignored, like the ability to control the devices from your smartphone. Dan uses his for phone calls from exactly two people (me and his mother). But I digress some more.)

Dan won’t even look older because of wearing the hearing aids. The little piece that goes behind the ear, and indeed the piece that goes in the ear, will be pretty much invisible. With Dan’s more-than-ample locks of Jerry-Garcia-like gray hair, they will be completely hidden from view.

The hearing aids won’t be delivered until the end of the week, so it remains to be seen—or rather, heard—what effects they will have on both Dan’s hearing and our relationship. I know I won’t miss the shouting from room to room or having TV shows set to window-rattling volume. Those are my goals—not to restore Dan’s hearing to preadolescent levels, before he started going to large rock concerts and cranking the sound on his stereo to 11 and yanking off the knob, but to cut down on the yelling from room to room. Our cat seems to have gotten used to the cacophony, but I worry about his sensitive ears. The cat, at least, has a fine hearing banana.

On the other hand, I most likely won’t be able to sneak snacks without Dan hearing me rattling the packages. This will lead to a more equitable distribution of cookies, of course, but every advance has its drawbacks, and I suppose it is simply one of the sacrifices I must make.

Luck in the Library

books, etc., family, humor, literature, music, , ,

Jimmy Buffett wrote a song called “Love in the Library.” It’s a little disconcerting to hear a Buffett song that includes the name “Flaubert” instead of the word “beach” or “sailboat.” But he did, and I love it. It belongs in Buffett’s oeuvre along with other songs he’s written, like “He Went to Paris.” Gentle, reflective, and nothing at all like “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

I may not have fallen in love in a library, but I’ve gotten lucky in plenty of them. (No, not that kind of “getting lucky.” What do you think I was doing during all those hours I’ve spent in one library or another? Canoodling in the stacks? But I digress.)

I was lucky that my parents, who didn’t read much themselves, valued reading enough that they took me to the library often. Sometimes the library would come to me—or if not directly to me, to the parking lot of a nearby shopping center. It was the bookmobile, and I loved it dearly. When I was very young, I would visit the marvelous vehicle and check out Green Eggs and Ham, still one of my favorite all-time books by one of my favorite authors. In fact, I would check it out on every visit. My mother made a rule. I could check out Green Eggs and Ham every time we went to the bookmobile if I wanted to, but I also had to check out something else as well. (It was a good thing that I learned to read when I was four, or I would have kept her reading it to me every day. But I digress again.)

I was lucky when I cruised the “New Arrivals” section of the big library and found something new to me and unexpectedly fascinating. It broadened my reading enormously.

I was lucky when Ms. magazine had an article on women mystery writers. I went to the library with a copy of it, burrowed into the mystery stacks, and fell in love with Sue Grafton’s and Sara Paretsky’s works, which have stayed with me for decades.

I was lucky when I went to college and got a job in the graduate library, fulfilling requests. (People filled out little slips of paper, which were sent to the upper floors where I worked via vacuum tubes. I located the books and sent them downstairs on a sort of dumbwaiter. When there were no requests, I spent my extra time delving into the stacks. Most of the time, I was on the history/sociology floor, where I learned lots. (The antiquated system of vacuum tubes is still used at the pharmacy drive-through where I pick up my prescriptions, if nowhere else. But I digress some more.))

One day, however, I got really lucky in the library. As I browsed the shelves, looking for my next read, I picked up a book that had a bookmark in it. People use all kinds of things for bookmarks. Some use proper bookmarks and forgetfully leave them in the library book, but others use anything at hand: business cards, envelopes, postcards, playing cards, ribbons, ticket stubs, sticky notes, receipts, the cards that fall out of magazines (these actually have a name: blow-in cards), and even photos.

On the day I got lucky, I picked up a book and noticed someone had used a lotto ticket as a bookmark. And whoever had used it for a bookmark had accidentally used a winning ticket! Going on the venerable, ancient philosophy of “finders keepers,” I cashed in the ticket, which was worth a whole $2.

Naturally, rather than buy something useful like gum or mints with “my” winnings, I decided that my lucky find was meant to bring me even more luck. So I used it to buy another $2 lottery ticket.

It was a loser. But at least that lucky library find had given me a momentary thrill and a soupçon of hope for a million-dollar payout. And that’s in addition to all the books I checked out that day!

The Daily Snorgle

cats, etc., family, humor, pets, , , ,

Sounds like the title of a newspaper in a small town or a cozy mystery, doesn’t it? But it’s not. It’s not even worthy of being reported in a small town newspaper. (I could see such a newspaper in a comic novel, though. After all, I’m using it in an amusing blog post. But I digress.)

What it is, is a daily interaction between Dan and one of our cats. Right now, the snorgler is Toby. And that makes Dan the snorgle-ee.

Dan has had peculiar interactions with some of our other cats. There was one (aka “Sir Boinks-a-Lot”) who tried to have carnal knowledge of Dan’s elbow. There was another (aka “The Gallic Strumpet”) who would writhe sensuously whenever he cooed her name.

But it’s different with Toby (pictured here, with Dan, basking in the glow of Toby’s love). Toby loves to put his arms (okay, front legs) around Dan’s neck and knead. I maintain this is a sign of deep affection. Dan claims that Toby is trying to strangle him or pierce his ear. (It is true that sometimes Toby’s claws do get entangled in the hair at the nape of Dan’s neck, and he needs to be rescued. (Toby needs rescue. Dan is basking in Toby’s love, as you can see.) But I digress again.)

That’s not a snorgle, however. A snorgle is when Toby gets right up in Dan’s face and rubs his nose all over Dan’s nose, for minutes at a time. It’s a sign of affection, but also a little disgusting when you think of where that nose has been (Toby’s, not Dan’s).

I never get snorgled. The most I usually get is a dainty nose-to-nose touch, if I’m lucky. (I once got nipped on the nose by an over-excited cat while I was asleep. I … escorted her out of the bed, let’s say. (The word “yeet” also comes to mind.) But I digress yet again.) Sometimes, Toby drapes himself across my capacious bosom and sleeps. Apparently, my boobs resemble a pillow. Or maybe a waterbed.

Dan was also the subject of repetitive and unasked-for grooming by our calico, Dushenka (which means “little soul” in Russian or, colloquially, “sweetheart”). She found his beard and moustache irresistible and adorned them with copious amounts of warm cat spit as long as he would put up with it, while I said, “Aw, she loves you” in the background. (Frankly, I think she was just hinting that he needed a trim, a point of view I’m totally in sympathy with. But I digress some more.)

I’ve learned a thing or two about cats since we’ve had them (various ones over decades). We had one tortoiseshell cat named Laurel who had to have an operation. When we got her back from her convalescence, her shaved belly was beginning to grow a lovely, almost invisible, coating of tender fuzz. I learned that I could zerbert her and feel the warm, barely-there fur, quite a captivating sensation. (You can also zerbert a fully-furred cat, but it only makes a “foof” noise. You have to have a cat that will allow you to touch its belly, of course. But I digress even more.)

I guess Dan is just lucky that none of our cats has had the habit of presenting him an up-close-and-personal view of its butthole, as some cats are wont to do. It’s supposedly a sign of affection, but I just don’t know. Doesn’t seem very friendly to me.

Finding Your Inner Weirdo

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The New York Times recently published an article encouraging those of a certain age to embrace their inner weirdo. They explained it in terms of not being afraid to find your authentic self and not worrying about what other people think. In my opinion, it’s not just a matter of finding your authentic self and embracing what’s weird about you. Nor is it tied to not caring what other people think, though those are all good reasons to explore your own weirdness.

To me, it seems that the NYT is redefining “weird.” When you reach that certain age, you no longer think of “weird” as a pejorative. You either accept it as a fact of life or wear it as a badge of honor. At a certain point in life, you’re allowed to be weird, and it’s a shame if you don’t give in to it. When a woman reaches old age, she tends to become invisible. People’s eyes slide right over her. And many old women make themselves smaller because of it. Being weird is a way to fight back.

I didn’t wait until I reached the age I am now. I’ve always been weird. I was a weird kid. Then I was a weird teen. I was a weird collegian. I was a weird adult. In point of fact, I’m still weird, even at my advanced age.

Call me goofy, silly, or peculiar. Strange. Unusual. Bonkers. Bizarre. Odd. Outré. Crazy. It won’t be anything I haven’t been called before (well, maybe not outré). I won’t mind. In fact, I own it. My friends are weird. My husband is weird. Even our cats are weird. (We had one that would play fetch, and another that liked to throw toothpicks across the room. But I digress.)

So, what have I done to merit the description of weird? Well, there was the time my husband and I cooked naked while doing Julia Child impressions. The only rule: no deep frying. There were times I ate ruffled potato chips with cream cheese and M&Ms. I still quote Star Trek, Star Wars, and The Pirates of Penzance.

My sister thought I was weird when I made lasagna or ratatouille or ordered in sushi for Thanksgiving. I once was able to use the old line, “If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need a knee replacement.”

I have a weird t-shirt collection, and I wear them in public. (Once, Dan and I went to the bank, both wearing t-shirts with pictures of winged cats on them. The teller said, “I know I’m going to regret this, but what are those t-shirts about?” I replied, “On weekends, we go to the park and fly radio-controlled cats.” But I digress again.)

I have bacon earrings and a sushi necklace. I have earrings of planet Earth, and when I wear them, I like to shake my head violently and cry, “Earthquake!” I had a purse shaped like an armadillo and named her Erma. Many people responded to the weirdness, and Erma sparked many interesting conversations.

I guess all this hearkens back to Jenny Joseph’s poem “Warning.” You know the one: “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple….” The one that inspired the Red Hat Society.

I may not wear purple with a red hat. I prefer to wear a Deadpool t-shirt and bacon earrings. But I won’t give up my weird or go gentle into invisibility. I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to. I have so much practice being weird.

Welcome to the Jungle!

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I can just picture my husband dressed all in khaki, hacking his way through dense undergrowth (and overgrowth), battling anacondas, and adorned with a pith helmet. (Whatever that is. I can only assume it’s a hat full of pith.)

That’s my vision of Dan as an eco-warrior. None of this chaining himself to construction equipment, living in a treetop for weeks on end, or throwing himself between a harpoon and a whale.

He’s a kinder, gentler eco-warrior. He carries a trowel rather than a machete and a watering can instead of a canteen. Dan never met a plant he didn’t like. (Except for thistles. He had an epic battle with thistles one year, and I’m still not sure it’s completely over. The thistle is the creeping definition of an invasive species. But I digress.)

In fact, Dan never met a weed he didn’t like. In yet another fact, he’s never met a weed at all (unless you count the aforementioned thistles). To him, as he often says, sometimes at dinner parties, a weed is just a plant that grows where you don’t want it to.

Unfortunately, the city disagrees. To them, a weed is a plant ten inches tall or greater. (Thistles are generally taller than ten inches.) They’re not quite as bad as a Home Owners’ Association, but they get pretty snippy if you don’t snip plants off where they think you should. I try not to get involved in the epic battles this clash of cultures leads to. (I don’t always succeed.)

Anyway, Dan has changed his strategy. Instead of planting flowers or shrubs that get mistaken for weeds, he’s planting trees this year, which are supposed to get over 10 inches tall. (He’ll never see the fully grown trees, of course, but he wants to leave a little forest in the sloping space that would be impossible to mow anyway because it’s so steep. Not that he’d want to. But I digress again.)

He’s also given to making a small jungle inside the house. He regularly brings home plants from Meijer when they’re about to expire (or be dead, reduced in price, or thrown away). He has night-blooming jasmine, shamrocks, and some long-legged things that I fear are going to strangle me in my sleep someday. He brings me orchids for my desk, for no reason. He’s also very fond of hanging baskets of begonias and ferns.

Every year, he makes a wish list of plants that he wants for spring or fall. (I get to research them on the internet and find the money to pay for them. Then he (reluctantly) prunes his wish list down closer to the figure that I came up with. He always forgets to add the shipping costs, which are pretty high for live plants. I also get to check with the companies to see which plants are out of stock and which are available only as seeds rather than live plants. Dan wants me to be involved in his gardening, and I’d have to say I am, even if I don’t dig in the dirt. But I digress at length.)

These internet-and-catalogue expeditions occur regularly twice a year, in spring and fall. And spring is often defined as January, so that the plants he wants won’t be out of stock. Then comes the waiting and the pleas to check my email to see if the greenery has shipped yet. (All the correspondence comes to me since I am the one who does the actual ordering. My plant catalogue email list is as prolific as a spider plant. But I digress some more.)

Back when he lived in Pennsylvania, Dan had a small greenhouse attached to his parents’ house. I don’t think he has ever gotten over it and wants to replicate it here, which we can’t afford. (He had a “dwarf” banana tree in the greenhouse. When it touched the roof and started to bend over, he dug a hole in the dirt floor and sank the pot down into it, so the tree would have extra room to grow. He seems to have a visceral objection to pruning. But I digress yet again.)

This year for Christmas, I think I’m going to buy him that pith helmet, if I can figure out his size and find an online supplier. Maybe one for me, too, just so I can be involved in the eco-wars.

Changing Our Collective Minds (And How Difficult It Is)

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We’ve heard a lot lately about the Constitution, particularly the 2nd, 14th and 25th Amendments, and the Bill of Rights. Most of us don’t have a clue what those amendments mean, and I’m here to help. (I’m not a Constitutional scholar, nor do I play one on TV, but I do know a few things on the topic, and I’d like to share them with you. But I digress.)

The Bill of Rights

After the Constitution was written, it became apparent that it didn’t cover everything that needed to be covered. There were disagreements over ratifying (the states agreeing to) the whole Constitution, so “amendments” were needed. (There were originally 12 amendments, but they were pared down to ten. These were considered “natural rights” that the government could not take away from the people.

(Nonetheless, the Powers That Be have been chipping away at the Bill of Rights. The right to freedom of speech and the right of free assembly have been nibbled away at by the courts. For example, shouting “fire” in a crowded theater is not a protected right. And the freedom of the press doesn’t mean that you can publish anything you want. It just means that the government can’t censor or suppress your writing before it’s published. Nor does a publishing company have to publish it. You can still privately publish or say anything you want, but no one else has to publish it or agree with it. You have not been cancelled. But I digress again, at length.)

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd amendment is under fire as well. Most people know it as the right to own guns. However, it says that a “well-regulated militia” is necessary for the protection of the country. (Unfortunately, most people who form “militias” are not well-regulated or even regulated at all. Nowadays, it generally refers to the National Guard. But I digress.) I have opinions about non-militia citizens owning guns, primarily that they should be licensed after proof of instruction on how to use them safely. I will not argue this point at this time and in this place. So don’t push me.

The 14th Amendment

The 14th Amendment is now controversial, as well. It covers what is called “birthright citizenship.” This means that anyone born in the United States is automatically a citizen. It sounds pretty simple, but there you have it. Some politicians and citizens feel it’s no longer needed (or maybe no longer relevant.)

I avoided an ugly argument with my brother-in-law recently by stressing that it didn’t matter what the original intent of the founders was or why it should or should not still apply (though I have opinions on those questions). I argued that those considerations don’t matter, but that if you wanted to get rid of the Amendment, there’s a process you have to go through. It involves getting both houses of Congress to agree (good luck) or two-thirds of the states to agree (also good luck). The point is that this takes a lot of time, debate, and argument. My point to my brother-in-law was that, if you wanted to get rid of the 14th Amendment, there’s a process you have to go through, and it takes a lot of time and relies on a lot of people agreeing to it. You can’t just say, “I don’t like it. Make it go away.” The only Amendment that’s ever been repealed was the one to make Prohibition go away.

(Anyway, the repeal process is also true if you want to get rid of the 2nd Amendment. But I digress still more.)

The 25th Amendment

The 25th Amendment concerns getting rid of the president. It says that if the president is no longer able to fulfill his duties, there is a process to ensure succession. First, the vice-president takes the reins. If he’s not able either, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate is next. If he’s also not able, the Speaker of the House steps in. Changing that is another process that can be long and drawn-out. It doesn’t involve simply holding a new election. It’s usually used only when the president or vice-president is under anesthesia for an operation.

The Amendments to the Constitution were difficult to add and are difficult to get rid of. My point is that when the American public changes its mind, it’s purposely not easy to change our fundamental documents. (And I’m sure if I got any of this wrong, hordes of constitutional scholars and maybe my brother-in-law will descend on me. But I digress even more.)

(Yeah, I know this isn’t funny, but I warned you in the subhead that there would be rants. Now that I have this out of my system, I’ll try to be amusing next week.)

On the Road Again

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What do you say when someone offers you an 18-year-old car? If you’re me, you say, “Thank you very much,” and you fly down to Florida to pick it up.

Mom Reily had a Mercury Milan that she rarely used, and she said I could have it. So, I have a new-to-me car at long last.

What makes the Mercury more than a museum piece is that it has only 40,000 miles on it—a literal “only driven once a week to church by a little old lady” car. And before we arrived in Florida, it had been thoroughly cleaned and adorned with new tires, and looked over by a mechanic. You can’t ask for much better than that.

The Road Trip

That was how we ended up flying down to Florida to pick up the car. (We thought about having it shipped, but once we added up the plane tickets, gas, and supplies (including hard pretzels and cereal, which, for some reason, Dan always takes on road trips), the cost was a wash, which the car had also had. But I digress.) All the flights were on time and no more or less hideous than economy travel ever is.

Then we drove the car back to Ohio. We figured to be gone for three days: one to fly down there, and two to drive back, stopping at a motel halfway. I kept Dan awake on the road and practiced driving. (With my various infirmities, it wouldn’t have done to leave me alone for three days. I might have tripped over the cat and fallen. But I digress again.)

On each day of the trip back, we drove well into the night. Partly this was because Georgia is a very tall state, and partly because I insisted on stopping at sit-down restaurants. I didn’t want fast food wrappers piling up or taco spills on the upholstery. We even found a Denny’s in Valdosta, Georgia, that was quite nice and had a lovely apple pie crisp à la mode for Dan to have on his birthday, which happened in the middle of our trip. (A little Googling tells me that there are only nine Denny’s in Georgia and only around 1,300 in the whole U.S. Also, there are only 24 in Ohio, none of which are near me. I have fond memories of one particular Denny’s, though. Back in the day, after practice, our martial arts group would convene there, taking up the big, round corner booth, and discuss the finer points of punching someone in the throat. But I digress at length.)

Google Maps helped a lot, except when we got off I-75 to find one of those sit-down restaurants. Then it would insist that we make a U-turn or go down Cherry Blossom Lane in order to get back to the highway. But we never would have found our hotel in Marietta without it.

Now that we have the Mercury home, I have freedom that I haven’t known for years. I will be able to do errands, get to appointments, meet friends for lunch (looking at you, Ellen Kollie, Kelly Heir, and Beth Bengough), or drive myself to Urgent Care without Dan having to take off work. That means Dan will have more freedom, too, which is also a Good Thing.

I know many people name their cars. I don’t usually, though the little Chevette I once owned was “Baby Car-Car.” Will the Mercury get a name? Right now, I’m thinking of it as The Freedom Machine. Or maybe Harriet, after Mom Reily. (No, maybe not. I’d end up saying things like “Someone scratched Harriet in the parking lot” or “Harriet has plenty of gas.” Dan says to call it Mom, as in “My Mother, the Car.” (Yes, we’re old.) But I digress yet again.) Perhaps, as cats do, the car will let me know what her name is. I imagine I’ll be as surprised as anyone when she does.

How Not to Sell Out

books, etc., family, humor, , ,

As a Girl Scout, I was not a success. Oh, I did a lot of the usual Girl Scout things. I wore the uniform, even to school, when the meetings were right afterward. (This was not a cool and popular look in high school.) I went camping and hiking. One summer, I was even a camp counselor. I learned the campfire songs and taught them to younger campers. I earned badges for esoteric pursuits and wore them on a sash. (Another reason the look was uncool at school.)

Trying to Push Cookies

What I couldn’t do was sell cookies—at least not well. Back in the day, we went door-to-door. (This is considered unsafe now for obvious, unsavory reasons. Nowadays, Girl Scouts market the treats by phone or online, or at tables outside supermarkets. (They would no doubt sell more if they set up their tables outside marijuana dispensaries.) I have a dealer who fixes me up every year. She’s the granddaughter of a fellow scout from my high school days. But I digress.)

My problem with selling door-to-door was that I had a sister who was also a Girl Scout, and with whom I went door-to-door. We split the orders, which meant that I got only half the orders I could have had without her.

Another way that Scouts got orders back then was to send the order forms to where their parents worked. The grown-up could then apply pressure to coworkers to buy. (This led to infighting. “You bought from Norma’s daughter, but not from mine.” But I digress again.)

My father, however, had a government job and claimed that he wasn’t allowed to pass around the order form. I now suspect that this wasn’t strictly true, and that he simply didn’t want to be the middleman.

As an adult, I have become a consumer of Girl Scout cookies, not a purveyor.

I Didn’t Learn My Lesson

My eptitude with sales has not increased over the (many) years.

I have written two books on the subject of bipolar disorder (gleaned from the writings in my other blog, Bipolar Me (www.bipolarme.blog). They aren’t selling well on Amazon. I get royalties from time to time. I’m saving up for a pizza.

I figure my choices for selling these books are:

A) door-to-door (That would be silly, not to say ridiculous. Well, okay, it would be ridiculous. There simply isn’t a neighborhood full of people living with bipolar disorder that I could canvas. But I digress some more.)

B) from a food truck or bookmobile-like trailer. (Same problem as with A. Besides, the price of gas would kill me.)

C) Facebook ads (I tried a few of them, to resounding silence.)

D) ask Dan to take orders at work (That would go over well. Not.)

E) have a website

I chose E. I found a company that would host a website—an online bookstore with my two books (and a third, when I finally write it). The site is called Bipolar World, and it lives at books.by/bipolar-world. Of course, the product is not as appealing as cookies (of the Girl Scout type, not the computer sort).

Maybe I should be pushing books AND cookies on my website. (I could call it the Cookie-Bookie Website, except then people would think I was taking bets on which cookies are the best. I’m pretty sure oatmeal raisin would lose. But I’ve digressed enough for this week.)