Tag Archives: Jerk Boys

Are All the Good Ones Taken?

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Recently, I saw a post in a group called Fuck the Patriarchy that asked the poignant, if unoriginal, question: Are all the good men taken? (Actually, it was phrased “Are all the good men coupled?,” a verb I associate more with train cars than with men. But I get the point and digress.)

(There seems to be a fair amount of relationship questions and advice in the group, rather than a strict focus on dismantling systems of oppression. But I digress some more.)

I find it encouraging that the assumption is that there are some men who are not essential parts of the patriarchy, and that they’re considered viable options for coupling with (or whatever).

The real question, I think, though, is not “Are there enough good men to go around?” It’s “Are there enough good enough men to be in a couple with?” (Or a thruple, if that’s your preference. Some kind of committed relationship, anyway. But I digress yet again.)

I say that because a “good man” may be too high a standard. It comes too close to being a perfect man, and that’s an impossible burden. Every man is a Jerk Boy once in a while.

What’s that (I hear you ask)? Well, a Jerk Boy is one who strays from the ideal in some measure. Not one who strays from the relationship, if the comments section is any indication, though.

One definition of a gentleman is one who, when he pees in the sink, at least removes the dishes first. Admittedly, that’s a pretty low standard. I would call him a Jerk Boy and tell him that as long as he’s there, he can wash the damn dishes.

Every woman has had Jerk Boys in her life. That’s a given. Whether that’s a deal breaker largely depends on how Jerky and how Boyish the guy really is.

Take my husband. (Well, no, don’t. I do lend him out for certain occasions, though, such as when one of his women friends (and he does have them) wants to see a movie or play that I don’t. Just have him home by midnight. But I digress some more.) Even Dan is a Jerk Boy at times. Just not the pee in the sink variety.

So, what are the standards for a “good man?” One who openly tries to destroy the patriarchy, or one who supports me when I do? One who actively educates other men about how to behave respectfully with women or one who behaves respectfully himself and thereby leads by example? I’ll take the second one in each of those comparisons. He’s good enough for me.

Not that I think that the first, or truly good, ones don’t exist. I do suspect, however, that, as of yet, there aren’t enough of them to go around. And fighting over them isn’t what you’d call good feminist behavior. (There’s enough debate in the group over what good feminist behavior is, especially in regard to cheating partners and what sisterhood requires one to do about it when the opportunity for a single woman to have a fling with a married man arises. And no, I will not debate that at this time. But I digress, just not that far. That’s a topic for Fuck the Patriarchy to take up, and they have.)

So, I am coupled with Dan for over 40 years, if not always perfectly blissful ones. He’s good enough for me. And only occasionally a Jerk Boy.

A Field Guide to Jerk Boys

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A gentleman is a man who, when he pees in the sink, takes the dishes out first.

A Jerk Boy, on the other hand, not only pees in the sink whether there are dishes there or not, but is proud of it, especially if the kitchen is nearer to the bed than the bathroom is.

A Jerk Boy will cheerfully fix your dishwasher or even offer to buy you a new one. Don’t let him do it. A lady accepts only countertop appliances. Then he leaves for two weeks in Chicago without telling you and expect you to welcome him back with hot-n-juicy sex.

If you do have a wonderful romp in bed, he made turn to you afterwards and say tenderly, “How did your butt get so big?” Or he will fart in bed and 30 seconds later ask you to marry him. (Don’t. Just don’t.)

Many JBs are unreconstructed sexists. Personally, I don’t mind that, despite my rabid commitment to feminism. At least with a Jerk Boy, you know where you stand. He won’t open doors, of course, but he also won’t tell you he supports your every ambition and then undercut you with a smile. If he does sandbag you, it will come with a pat on the ass. Also, he will not allow you to pay for the meal or the motel room. If he can’t afford a motel room, he will offer sex in the front seat of his truck. Go for it if you want to – and if you don’t mind getting Doritos crumbs in your underwear.

How can you spot a Jerk Boy? There are definite signs. One JB I know was dating two different women and, to be fair, invited one of them to a wedding and the other one to the reception. Only a Jerk Boy would think this is a good solution, one that won’t cause problems or be appreciated. He will look wide-eyed and innocent and say, “What? Why are you mad at me? At least I’m not playing favorites.” That perplexed look and the phrases “What did I do?” and “What did I say?” are dead giveaways of a Jerk Boy. So is “Sor-REE!” in the tone that says, “No, I’m not.” Also if you ask a question and they repeat it back to you.

Every man is a Jerk Boy at times. Even the most sensitive have their JB moments. One day I heard my husband say, out of the blue, “No, Mom, of course Janet doesn’t mind if you come to stay for two weeks at Christmas. Here, Janet, tell her you don’t mind” [hands me the phone].

By now you may have some questions.

Is Jerk-Boydom composed entirely of rednecks? The simple answer is no. My husband, for example, is from the Philly area. JB-hood is an equal opportunity state of mind, not a state of state. Some notably famous Jerk Boys include Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, and, most likely, Henry VIII.

Are there equivalent Jerk-Girls? Probably. In fact, writing this may prove that I myself am one. But I leave that question for future sociologists to explore, after they’ve figured out the effects of poverty and violence, and the behavior of Furries.

Most women have, or have had, a Jerk Boy in their lives. Why do we keep them around? That’s a good question.

Jerk boys can be fun and sexy, when they’re not peeing in the sink, that is. They are decidedly uninhibited, positively boisterous, and maddeningly self-agenda-ed. You can enjoy them or ignore them. But whatever you do, don’t try to change them. That only increases the Jerkitude.

Proceed at your own risk.