I’m surprised at the number of people who try to reach God using Facebook. They post prayers to God, recommend God to their friends, and offer to pray regarding specific problems their friends are having. They even wish deceased relatives “Happy Heavenly Birthday.”

It’s that last one that brings me up short. I’ve never thought about there being birthdays in heaven. I guess I always thought people in heaven didn’t care about birthdays anymore. I can’t picture celestial calendars marked for personal special occasions. The Parting of the Red Sea, maybe. My grandmother’s birthday, not so much. (Of course, if there is a heavenly birthday feature like the one on Facebook that reminds you on the day so you can send a greeting, the list of people having birthdays on any given day would be in the billions, if you count every born-and-died person. Is it St. Peter’s task as the heavenly Facebook moderator to keep track of them all? Maybe there’s a red X by some names on the list for “not here; went the other way.” But I digress.)

Still, there are those people who appear to believe in birthdays in heaven. There are a lot of assumptions behind the sentiment. First, there’s the notion that every relative of yours went to heaven. Okay, maybe people simply don’t wish Happy Birthday for relatives who were so sinful they expect them to have taken up residence in a lake of fire.

Then, too, people always specifically invoke a happy birthday. Would there be any other kind in heaven? You’d already have all the presents you’d ever want, what with the streets of gold and the sitting at the right hand of Jesus. (Which brings up the question: How many right hands does Jesus have? Never mind, my mother has that particular seat. But I digress again.)

I suppose I can envision cake in heaven, though not the dopey little hats that wouldn’t fit over halos anyway. And it’s ludicrous to imagine them poking up through the middle of the halos. That would just be silly. But streamers and banners? You’ve got fluffy clouds and rays of sunshine to cover that angle. Or angel. (Sorry, not sorry.)

I know what people mean by “Happy Heavenly Birthday.” It’s shorthand for “I love this departed relative dearly and wish they were still around so I could wish them happy birthday in person. And I want other people who knew this person to remember their existence and their goodness, too.” And “Happy Heavenly Birthday” is certainly shorter, so it shouldn’t take up more of an angel’s time. (Question: Do angels keep track of how many Happy Heavenly Birthdays they receive and compare them to other angels’ totals? Nah, couldn’t be. No jealousy in heaven, at least since Lucifer left. But think of all the angels who lived before Al Gore invented the internet. Or the billions (I assume there are billions) who don’t have Facebook. How do they get their heavenly birthday messages? But I digress some more.)

I don’t know. Facebook isn’t my idea of heaven. Mine doesn’t involve fluffy clouds either (not that Facebook has them, except in AI art). Perhaps not having Facebook is the real heaven, and perpetual, everlasting doomscrolling is hell.