People in most professions get asked stupid questions all the time. Teachers are asked how they like having their summers “off.” Police officers are asked whether they’ve ever shot anyone. (I suppose that, any day now, people will start asking teachers whether they’ve ever shot anyone. But I digress.)

I’ve had quite a few different jobs in my day, from inventory taker to restaurant cashier to the person who runs the duplicating machine in an office, and more. (The job running the duplicating machine invariably elicits the question, “Do you get high from the fumes of the purple ink?” The answer is yes, at least a little buzz. If you wear clear fingernail polish, your nails will turn purple, too. Now that’s something you know. But I digress again.)

But most of my life, I’ve been a writer and editor. And, boy, do we get stupid questions! Here are a few of my favorites, along with the answers.

Where do you get your ideas?

I wish I could say that I get them from an idea subscription service that’s operated out of a garage in Schenectady. But that would be untrue. Besides, someone already said it. (Maybe Robert Bloch, author of the book Psycho, source material for the famous film. I’m not really sure, and I digress anyway.)

In truth, right now I’m not getting my ideas from anywhere. In general, they simply pop into my head and, lately, my popper has pooped out. Nor has my husband or my cat done anything even remotely amusing. Dan is busy, and Toby is lethargic. I haven’t even done anything amusing lately, unless you count watching multiple episodes of Chopped to fall asleep, which I don’t. Consider it amusing, I mean. I do sometimes fall asleep to Chopped.

Do you make a lot of money?

No. Stephen King makes a lot of money. John Grisham makes a lot of money. J.K. Rowling makes a lot of money. I don’t.

I do get royalties from my books, and I’m saving up for a pizza.

What have you written that I would have heard of?

Probably nothing, unless you’ve ever subscribed to niche educational magazines like Catechist, Technology and Learning, or Early Childhood News. And a few issues of Black Belt. (I think I am right in saying that I am the only person ever to have been published in both Catechist and Black Belt. But I digress some more.)

I have written two books that have been published: Bipolar Me and Bipolar Us. Those are the ones that fund my occasional pizza habit. And I’ve written some crime/mystery novels that have never been published, but obviously you wouldn’t have heard about them either, until just now.

I have an idea for a book. Can you write it, and we’ll split the profits?

No. Just no. Even my husband asks me this one, and I tell him no, though splitting the profits wouldn’t really be an issue, except, I guess, for the pizza money.

Having an idea is the easy part. Writing the book based on it is hard work. You don’t just sit at your computer and bang it out. It takes months at the least and sometimes years. Do you really want to pay for over a year of my time and creative brain power? I thought not.

Have you met anyone famous?

By this, I assume they mean any famous writers. The answer is yes. Not that I have close personal friends who are famous writers, but I have met quite a few at writers’ conferences and science fiction conventions. (At least one of whom invited me back to his hotel room, so I guess I just missed getting a close personal friend that way. But I digress, salaciously, and am not taking any questions on the matter.)

Anyway, I have met Sue Grafton, Jenny Lawson, Larry Niven, Frank McCourt, Sarah Zettel, and Captain Kangaroo, among others. (You will no doubt be relieved to know that The Captain was not the one with the hotel room. That’s an explanation, not a digression. Know how to tell the difference? Because I say so.)

Of course, I also get asked, “How do I get published?” (I don’t know.) And “Do I need an agent?” (Probably, unless you know a lot more about publishing than I do, in which case, why are you asking me? But I digress my last, at last. (At least for this week.))